I said that I was the saviour, you lunatics.
When I was 14, I had some mosquito bites that resembled the Big Dipper. This came in the midst of a minor obsession with the totemic significance of the bear. In my shamanistic delusion, I welcomed the appearance of the ursine constellation on my arm.
Happiness is the warm panoply of my messianic powers. I'll get around to saving the world when it suits me.
Update on 2012-10-29 04:54 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best bear? Sir Iorek Byrnison.
Only the very best rabbits may wear the Bunny Hat.
I saw this really stylish dude at the zombie party yesterday. He was wearing a tight black bra, tiny shorts, and a rabbit hood from which a sharp wave of black hair protruded. His stomach also protruded, but I noticed that he had a really beautiful back. Seriously. Are back models a thing? He would be at the top of that field. That thing was sculpted from iron wax. Its contours flowed in sinewy glory, and it glowed like burnished cream. I don’t think that I’ve ever seen such striking inconsistency in a gentleman’s beauty, though I have seen a fair number of mediocre guys with great hair.
Update on 2012-10-22 07:27 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best Bunny? Hills.
I feel that the centipedes I find in the outside world seem less deliberately offensive in their abhorrence. House centipedes seem nefarious in their abominable ugliness. The former seem to understand why they have to die. They know that I can't accept them at any point in my life, and they accept that fact to be a part of their own truncated lives. They've made peace with the situation that they've become through the sheer nature of their existence. House centipedes scurry around with baleful glares and a compact aura of palpable malice. If I had any extra zeal to give to their slaughter, they would receive it. They shall learn what comes to villains who twirl their moustaches so audaciously. They shall learn it through their stupid oozing backs.
Update on 2012-10-15 05:17 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best alien worm beast? Hutts.
At the beginning of the summer, I lost a card holder that essentially contained all of the things I use for everything. Transit pass. Debit card. Reward cards for various places. I only managed to replace the first two because of sheer necessity. I can't say that I am always motivated to go out and acquire things, but I am absolutely awful at replacing things. If I lost all of my stuff in a fire, I'm not even sure that financial cost would be my biggest consideration. I'd be more annoyed by the effort that I'd need to expend in order to go out and find things that I'd previously possessed. It would just be awesome to have an insurance company that would take a mildly excessive amount of money to create some portal to Hell that would return all of your things. I suppose that the alternative would be some agency that just let you take all of your resurrected stuff back at no cost if you were willing to actually go out and get it. I don't think that I'd take the second option over the first. It's just difficult for me to motivate myself to do something that I've already done. I suppose that I take a while to feel loss. Why would I go out to buy something I already have? I know that I don't have it anymore, but I still have the sensation of possession. It's phantom comfort. It's hard enough to do something that's completely unnecessary once. It just gets more unnecessary when I have to do it again.
Update on 2012-10-08 06:12 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best phantom? Billy Zane. He's a cool dude.
We just played a show at Duffy’s Tavern to mark the debut of our beautiful new drummer, and we’re organising stuff for the rest of the season. It’s great to be back.
In other news, the bright hours of the dawn’s approach saw me attempt to grab a smoothie before the store closed. The Spadina bus was engaging in its usual foolishness, but I was able to run down in time because the proprietor wouldn’t close it until her customers had finished playing pool. That’s why gods invented billiard tables.
Honestly. I can’t think of any other reason for billiard tables.
Update on 2012-10-01 06:41 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best table? Round.
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I was listening to the shuffled library of my music player while I was walking through the mall a few days ago. “Back In Time”, the “Back to the Future” theme by Huey Lewis, came on. After a few moments of deliberation, I decided to let it play. I do love The News. I was in the middle of the song when I passed a dude who was wearing a shirt with the newspaper clipping about that clock tower from the film. You know the one?
Update on 2012-09-23 06:08 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best preservation society? Village Green.
Do you know the feeling that you get when you have an appointment at a place that isn't actually very far? You tend to leave too late, don't you? That false sense of security. That’s why I think that homeschool would be the worst thing of all time. It would be exaggerated to horrifying degrees.
"Oh. School's in the living room. I can get there in five seconds. I could use a bit of extra sleep."
I’d never bother to get up.
Update on 2012-09-16 22:45 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Favourite school? Third one.
I’ve basically been working on the same corner for the last six months. I’ve had some good times. Some bad times. One thing still perplexes me completely, though.
The corner in question is the location of the last bus stop before Spadina Station. The walk between the stop and the station is essentially incapable of lasting beyond three minutes. I don’t even really know why there is a stop on that corner, but I don’t question the TTC anymore. It’s a bad road to go down, you guys.
The route was used by a streetcar until the spring, but that service has been temporarily replaced by buses because the street was in dire need of significant construction. Dire. Need.
Apparently.
I’m assuming that the drivers who work on Spadina are wholly unfamiliar with the operation of street vehicles that have actual wheels. I make this assumption because the bus service is frequently atrocious to hilarious degrees. This is true even when it isn’t forced to make detours during periods of extra construction.
Like. Alright.
I live near Bathurst Station. I like to run down to the lake on most mornings. I usually ran down Bathurst to the lake and thence to the bottom of Spadina in 20 minutes. Then I’d take the bus to work on the aforementioned corner. That ride managed to take a minimum of 20 minutes. It’s a shorter distance on a vehicle that is ostensibly capable of speeds that exceed the limits of a humanoid runner.
Toss it. Anyway!
Hilarious degrees . . . Right. I’ve seen five buses arrive simultaneously after an inordinately long wait.
But this is what gets to me.
I see people wait at that stop for significant periods of time. Many of them do it frequently enough to know that the service is seriously flawed. Some even try to sprint to the stop in the vain hope of catching a bus that isn’t even in sight.
But the station is right there!
It’s not my place to speak out against laziness. This isn’t about that. I don’t care about that. People can do what they want. On a related note, I’ve been known to take excessive measures to avoid walking in the winter. That’s really due to my inability to process cold temperatures, but it’s the same basic concept. I’m therefore able to sympathise with people who get off a bus after one stop. Usually.
But this really goes beyond laziness. If one is going to put in the effort to actually keep one’s own legs, one can walk for a single minute to get to that station. It’s usually possible for a relaxed pedestrian to arrive at the station before the bus because there are two sets of traffic lights after the stop. Beyond that, the buses are often filled to capacity by the time of their arrival at this final stop. But these people still struggle into the hot, sweaty midst of the throngs aboard the vehicles to avoid a walk that takes less time and effort than the one between the station’s bus loop and its train platform.
I can understand a fair amount of human behaviour. I don’t necessarily agree with all of it, but I can generally see why people do the things they do. Some things just confuse me, though. I don’t know why people lie in situations that attach no disadvantages to the truth, and I don’t know why these individuals get on that damned bus at Sussex. Believe me. I have thought about it. I have plenty of time for that when I’m standing at that corner. It just doesn’t work.
Update on 2012-09-09 18:14 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best bus stop? London.
Tom Morello. I know that you’re sad because that weird conservative politician guy likes your music. You should be sad. You’re an artist. You do great things with sadness. I just think that you should find better reasons to be sad.
You’re annoyed because one of your fans is an idiot. You have a lot of fans, man. You’re a successful musician. Most people are idiots, though. Therefore, most of your fans are probably idiots too. That’s how numbers work.
Update on 2012-09-03 03:31 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best machine? Love. You know. The one that won't work for anybody but you.
My distaste for these stems from the fact that they can be used for anything without any legitimate humour,
but that can also make them irresistible at times.
I think that I was seventeen. I was on the receiving end of one of those conversations in which an authority figure derisively enumerates various real and imagined errors that are held to be characteristic of the other individual’s apparent flaws. I can credit my mother with one thing, though. In this instance, even the imagined errors seemed quite characteristic of me. It wasn’t a terribly bitter discussion. It really just seemed to be a whimsical iteration of a familiar theme. This may explain its especial accuracy.
She described several scenarios in an effort to illustrate why my affinity for uncanny action could pose potential problems. I don’t remember many of them, but they were the usual mix of memorable occurrences and reasonably credible fabrications. I remember the last one, though. I stopped her on the spot to thank her for the wondrous idea. Coconut milk on cereal. Yes.
I didn’t really understand the inclusion of Keith Richards in the hypothetical situation, but I didn’t really bother to seek logic in any part of it. The entire concept was too appealing.
I immediately put it on my list.
I had a list at the time. It was a page in my notebook. I carried around a notebook at the time. I don’t really have either of these anymore.
For some reason, this story recently came up in a bar conversation on the eve of a friend’s departure. I hadn’t actually given the idea consideration in some time. I’ve had other things on my mind. I’ll readily admit that they weren’t important things, but they were there. They take up space. Alright? My mind is one great distraction. You understand. That’s life. The world. The craze.
Instantly, the idea was met with raucous enthusiasm, and plans were made to ingest the mysterious mixture on the following day. I love Keith Richards, but I can’t afford to wait for him.
What happened on the following day?
The mixture was ingested, baby.
Let me just say that the stuff is fantastic. It did not disappoint. I used Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops with a sprinkling of Rice Krispies, and my companion inadvertently incorporated a variety of Corn Pops that contained an infusion of cinnamon. Satisfaction was found.
Update on 2012-08-27 05:25 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best milk? Chocolate.
So. Time seems to speed up as I get older. Obviously. The speed is the obvious part. I’m hoping that I’m not getting older in any obvious way. For one thing, I already sound like an old man sometimes. People generally don’t seem to notice because I’m basically adorable, but there’s probably a portrait of me in some attic that looks like Mickey Rooney. If I actually start to look like that, no one’s even going to pretend to listen.
I’m thinking that this whole phenomenon of temporal acceleration occurs because I tend to live in the past. It’s not my primary residence or anything. I’ve made a good house for myself in the realm of dreams. Reality could almost qualify to be a second home, but it’s probably just a job. It’s the workplace. It’s not even the main one. I wander into the office for a few hours in the week, but I generally just work where I live.
In any case, I seem to fill a consistent percentage of the past with myself. Some of my time must accompany me. At the earlier stages of life, my past wasn’t very big. Therefore, I didn’t have to dedicate much of my essence and time to it. Now it has become quite large, and its growth doesn’t slow with age. Accordingly, I must give more of myself over to it in order to fill that same percentage. The expenditure of time keeps up with these proportions, leaving less for contemporary use. That’s why my time seems to be moving faster. I have less of it to experience in the present.
Update on 2012-08-20 05:16 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best way to save time? Don't borrow it. The mortgage will kill you.
Loss of ability is probably my biggest fear. Amputation is obviously the most definitive type in my mind; it also entails an aesthetic trouble. I’ll admit that the whole thing with the ragged empty sleeve can look quite stylish in an errant sort of way, but I doubt that it’s worth the trouble, and it’s not a fashion that lends itself readily to formal affairs. In fairness, I’m not either. The fact that death seems relatively simple actually makes some aspects of life easier. Death is still an instinctual concern. When they’re faced with a dangerous situation, most people think, “Will this kill me?” Lesser forms of disfigurement are indeed fearful prospects, but those concepts are slightly too intricate to have any real bearing in conditions with the potential for immediate peril. Thus death is the only question. If mortal dread doesn’t occupy any prominent section of the mind, all of those circumstances become easy propositions. Death is the worst outcome, but it’s not a frightening one. The frightening ones are forgotten in the middle.
Anyway.
I have this fear, but I’m also slightly annoyed by the fact that it means that I’ll probably never get to use a mechanical arm. The necessity horrifies me, but the mechanics intrigue me. I would think that they’d be too primitive to prevent suicide if I ever became intimately involved in scenarios that actually required them, but they could provide some interest for a while. It shouldn’t be too hard to build one that attaches at the shoulder, should it? Then we could just have additional arms. It would be as though we had extra people to carry our bags, but we’d be free of all of those nasty trust issues that prevent me from letting an actual person hold my bag.
Update on 2012-08-12 08:05 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best cyborg? Cyborg.
Slurp the syrup.
Waffle fries and sodomy. Both are valid ways to spend an evening. They probably go quite well together too. I wouldn’t really know. I don’t believe that I am currently at a point of my life in which I can really appreciate fast food or homosexual congress; accordingly, I indulge in neither. However, I am cognisant of the way in which appeals to auxiliary passions can influence political apathy. Apathy is one thing in which I do occasionally indulge. If I had to vote, my support would probably be won by some trifling aesthetic consideration. Obama's the David Lee Roth of politics. He'd get my vote for that reason, but I can’t generally bring myself to have any significant opinions on the minuscule divergences people display over the real issues. That’s why I don’t vote. It would be bad for the system. But I know how the little things can get people to choose sides when they just don’t care about the actual situations. I just don’t want people to stand against gay rights because they like chicken. You can have both! Gay friends and waffle fries! No one really cares. I don’t think that you’re ever going to find a company that only involves thoroughly agreeable people. I don’t think that you’re ever going to find five reasonably populated square miles that only involve thoroughly agreeable people. You can grow your own food if you wish, but I don’t know where you’re going to get waffle plants. Waffle plants and fry vines. Those are especially scarce. I suppose that potatoes would suffice in a tight spot, though.
But that might not even work. You probably disagree with some of your own philosophies. I know that I do. If I based my dietary choices around the moral purity of the chef, I’d never eat anything I made. It hasn’t really been a problem yet, though. I don’t cook. I know that Toucan Sam isn’t exactly a model for archaeological protocol, but he doesn’t have time for legality or professional ethics when he’s diving to the bottom of Mayan temples for the treasure he seeks. And I can’t blame him! That treasure is one of the best breakfast cereals of all time, and I shall doubtlessly enjoy it till my dying day.
My grandmother is Jewish, but she still likes Wagner. Well. She likes “Das Rheingold”. I don’t think that she’d care to go to lunch with the man, but I’m sure that she might reconsider if he offered to pay for the waffle fries.
Update on 2012-08-06 08:01 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Worst syrup? Cough. It tastes awful, and it doesn't work. Maybe it does. I don't care. I'm not taking it. I don't need your molecular machines to fight a cough. Offer your viscous product to someone less delusional. I can take what comes. That's right. I take triumphalism to a cellular level.
One of my favourite things about Batman is the way in which his power transcends his fiction. Ultimately, he’s just a human like any other action hero, but the types of stunts and abilities they share just seem more believable with him. When it’s Jason Statham or Tom Cruise in some ridiculous physical feat, one just excuses the implausibility of the action for the sake of the movie. That’s fine. That’s common. That’s standard. I just really like the fact that no one seems to have to do that with Batman. In the absence of superhuman powers that explain everything away, people generally know that most of the characters in such films wouldn’t really be able to do those sorts of things. No one really argues with that. They do with Batman, though. When someone asks for an explanation of some random protagonist’s acrobatics, suspension of disbelief will be recommended. When one asks for an explanation of Batman’s uncanny prowess, the explanation will be identical to the one that any Gotham citizen would give: “He’s Batman.”
I should say that I’m not suggesting that humans can’t do incredible things. Humans can do incredible things. That’s why they get to hang out with tigers. Guns weren’t an evolutionary development.
“Oh. Batman just leapt 10 feet straight into the air from a standing position? That makes sense. He’s Batman.” “But that’s physically impossible.” “Not for Batman. He trained to be the best at everything.” “But the guy who’s the best at that can’t-” “He’s just that good. He’s Batman.”
Update on 2012-07-29 19:10 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best flying rodent? Squirrel.
120 Church Street.
I'm totally excited because I just started to work for the shiniest party I've seen in a while. It's a monthly club thing by the name of Sodom, and I got the job after the main man saw me at my other job. My happiness is only increased by the fact that sartorial wildness is actively encouraged. These guys are the most aggressive promoters of glitter since Jaymes Buckman. They have theme nights. I've seen theme nights before, but this is on a higher level. They incorporate theatre into the whole thing, and they cover everything in glitter. This Saturday's theme is the Stone Age. The decorations include giant bones that are covered in glitter. There are also large stalactites that are covered in glitter. Various props that are completely covered in gitter. Everything's awesome.
Update on 2012-07-15 17:02 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best glitter? Maximum glitter.
I love the fact that the word "best" seems to be a recent addition. "Hey, boss. I'm goint to the printing shop. Do you want our sign to say that we're the best adult video store?" "No. We're still waiting to hear from the tribunal on that. We can just put in the 'best' part later."
I just saw "The Amazing Spider-Man" with my brother. Good times. Obviously. Andrew Garfield is the perfect Peter Parker, and everyone else is great too. I'm glad for the inclusion of the quipping. I seem to recall some theory that stated that it wouldn't work on film. That's why it wasn't in the other films? No. It totally does.
Anyway. I personally enjoyed Denis Leary's role because I remember some interview that he did on "The Daily Show" years ago. It was before the plans to reboot the franchise, but he made some joke about all of the autographs he'd signed for fans of the Green Goblin. You know. Because they thought that he was Dafoe.
They should probably just have a Dafoe doppelganger in every Spider-Man film. They can use Sandra Berhard for the next one. She could play Doctor Octopus. You know. Because she looks like an octopus.
Update on 2012-07-08 05:36 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best octopus? The big one that fights sharks.
I really just love this picture of Roxy Music for the situation it conjures in my mind. Ferry's whole attempt at honouring the classic masculinity of the rock-and-roll culture of the Fifties just seems to be thoroughly ruined by Eno's insistently weird androgyny.
"Hey. Brian. Do you mind if we talk for a minute?"
"Sure, Bryan. What's up?"
"Well. You know that we're shooting the record cover today. Yeah? Well. Me and the guys thought it'd be cool if we went for something a bit different for this picture."
"Yeah? Different how?"
"Well. I know that you have a really unique look, and I love it. I do. The whole space elf lady boy feather wizard thing. It's great. It works. It's a perfect counterpoint to my suave drunken super-spy mystique. But for this shot, we're going to mix it up a bit. We're doing this big homage to rock-and-roll. Elvis. Vince Taylor. That whole thing. Very macho. Very retro. It's going to be great."
"Yeah, man. It sounds groovy. What do you need me to do?"
"Oh. We just wanted to know if you could maybe tone down the outrageousness. You know. Just for this one shot. We're doing this whole manly rock-and-roll thing, and, you know, not to make you uncomfortable or anything, but it'd be really cool if we could do it all unified. You know. Whole band. One look. Just for this one shot. You understand. And, you know, obviously, if you're not cool with the whole thing, we're not going to force you, but . . ."
"Nah, man. Sounds great. I'm in."
"Alright. Excellent. Glad to hear it. Leslie has your costume ready. I'll see you on set in 20."
Then . . .
Update on 2012-07-02 04:30 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best feather wizard? Sparrowhawk.
I don't really have a problem with the noises that motorcycles make, but I'm not very fond of the fact that the noise often seems to be the main goal. I won't care if some guy rides down the street on a vehicle that sounds like a machine gun that shoots helicopters. Maybe he's saying, "Hey. Guys, I'm sorry about the noise, but it's worth it for this sweet ride. Check out how awesome this is." Perhaps his vehicle is indeed awesome. That's fine. But there are other people, you guys. People who specifically tune their motorcycles to create the maximum amount of noise. I just think that less effort should be spent on volume, and more effort should be spent on general awesomeness. Make no mistake. Motorcycles can be awesome. The noise is just incidental. Make it sleek. Make it fast. Speed and beauty. All of that. Worthy goals.
Update on 2012-06-24 04:04 by Jaymes Buckman
Most efficient death vehicle? Rocket hearse.
I just saw "Battleship". It came out a month ago, and I'd been meaning to see it. I didn't want to continue to procrastinate. I'm not particularly ready for another Interchange adventure.
I always wait till the end of the credits before I leave. I saw some note at the bottom about the gratitude of the producers for the cooperation of the military in the making of the film. It's not uncommon for films that include references to specific military organisations, but I don't think that it's quite right. I think that a more appropriate note would say, "The military wishes to thank the makers of this film for making us look freaking awesome." War isn't really the most popular thing in the mind of the average Hollywood citizen, but it always looks spectacular in the movies. An expression of thanks from the military would seem to be common courtesy when they're depicted in a colourful war against horrid aliens, but they should probably even thank the guys who try to discourage war with their films. It's just that wonderful. Coppola was a total hippy, but "Apocalypse Now" did more to show the triumph of assaut helicopters and Wagner's ghost over his ideals than it did to depict the horrors of battle. "Jarhead" explicitly references that phenomenon, but it had the same effect.
Ultimately, I don't really care, but I'd probably be more willing to consider that sort of patriotic service if they gave up on the dress code.
Update on 2012-06-18 01:55 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Most stylish military organisation? Kiss Army.
The guys at stgeorgest.tumblr.com decided to briefly interrupt me at work for this spontaneous photography session. Thus I believe that they deserve a reference from me. Aeow.
John Cusack, man. I love that guy. I’d been meaning to see “The Raven” for a while, and I finally decided that the first weekend of June would be the perfect time. When I finally looked at the movie schedules, I discovered that it wasn’t playing in any theatre in Toronto. The only theatre in the area was up at the Interchange. That whole York area. I know. I know. Gross. But it was a journey that just felt destined. Also. Kernels has the best popcorn. I do not buy popcorn from any other place. Thus I made time for a stop at the Eaton Centre. Unfortunately, I didn’t realise that the shooting that took place within it on Saturday would prevent me from buying popcorn on Sunday. Then I rushed up to Bayview and York Mills to buy popcorn from that location. Then I realised that I didn’t know how to get to Downsview, which is apparently where York buses are found. I got there eventually, though. I even got to the theatre with five spare minutes. Man. Edgar Allen Poe on detective adventures. Good times.
Also. I just moved my internet box to my new place on Monday. My computer remembered it. I didn’t know that it worked like that. That’s awesome!
Last thing. Some guy came up to me at work. His voice wasn’t very clear, but I’m pretty sure that he said, “You look like Steven Tyler. You know. From ‘American Idol’.” I can’t really argue with the comparison, but I was bemused by the way in which he qualified it.
Update on 2012-06-11 03:49 by Jaymes Buckman
Bonus Question!
Best raven? Darkholme.